How tempting it is to beat yourself up as a writer. In the challenging and sometimes arduous task of creating a book, doubts can assail you: ‘Am I writing anything that people will want to read?’; ‘Will my readers be bored?’; ‘Will I ever even finish this chapter, let alone a whole novel?’ ‘And if I can’t even write it, who will read it?’ ‘Is it worth it, when readers are dwindling?’
I’ve been writing for almost four decades now, and I’m still occasionally asking the same questions. While I’ve learnt to still those nagging voices in my head, every now and again they re-surface, especially when I’m working on a more extended text. But I’ve learnt to be forgiving of my weaknesses, as those negative voices are extremely counter-productive; if I didn’t allow myself a little grace, I don’t think I’d ever finish anything, with the possible exception of a picture book, a genre which is in my blood.
At present, I am trying to write an adult novel, which may end up as a shorter allegorical text or a coffee-table display book. As a Christian writer, in particular, I am finding that I have an extra weight of responsibility on my shoulders. My mantra as an author is to ‘spread good seeds in the world’; that’s why I am now focusing exclusively on writing Christian fiction for all ages. So I have other questions I ask myself, chief of which is: ‘Do my stories honour God?’ And of course, ‘Will my stories resonate with my readers: very young children, older children, young adults and adults…if I indeed manage to get my books into the hands of readers. I have many author friends who have the same problems as I do in this regard, but for me, it’s more of a mission. Think of my mantra and you will understand why.
Practically speaking, some of the pitfalls and everyday struggles are:
If I’m really honest with myself, most of the time when I write, especially if I’m working on a picture book, I feel highly inspired and my writing flows. However, there are occasions when I do doubt myself, especially as I’ve always found marketing a serious challenge. As often discussed with my writer friends, finding readers and selling books is becoming more and more difficult in this digital-crazy world. But I keep having to remind myself of my mission: to write for the glory of God; to send ‘good seeds’ into the world; and to share life-affirming fiction with as many readers as possible, particularly with children and young adults. Sometimes, I feel guilty about my negative thoughts relating to my writing and marketing efforts. I do pray for guidance, but I don’t pray enough; I do pray that God will help me with finding suitable homes for my books, but I don’t pray enough; and when I do pray, I criticise myself for my prayers being so me-focused and selfish…when compared to all the serious issues millions of people are facing in the world.
For me to improve my writing, and for my personal growth, I need to learn how to ‘forgive’ myself, to beat myself up less, to allow myself some breaks – I have always been very driven – and to write with more grace. My author friend and I often talk about how we should celebrate the small mercies/achievements. If one new book is published (and I have two coming out soon: a gorgeous picture book entitled ‘Celestia’s Dancing, Prancing Doves…the illustrations are absolutely stunning…’; and a teenage novel set in Cape Town – Brighter than the Sun), or if one reader buys a book, that’s cause for a celebration.
So I will try to write with more ‘grace’ towards myself, beat myself up less when the process is not going so well, and celebrate the small successes and every ‘good seed’ that is planted in a reader’s home.